Time Out!

Referee Holds the Basketball

Yesterday I talked about Mirroring as a tool to communicate with your spouse. When you mirror your spouse, it helps you get a better grasp on what they mean, instead of assuming you understand.

But what if the conversation still goes awry.

You know the scenario:

Your Spidey-senses begin to tingle.

The conversation begins to go south. Tempers rise. Nostrils flare. Arms are flailing.

What to do?

Call a Time Out!

Here is another tool you can try out when your communication gets bumpy!

Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you need to walk away from the conversation – especially if you sense you are going to say something stupid, harmful, or ugly. (Actually, I say stupid stuff all the time. I mean stupid like – “Can’t-take-it-back-because-damage-has-been-done” stupid.)

What does a ‘time out’ look like?

It might look like leaving the room, going to pray by yourself, going to the bathroom (the man sanctuary), deep breathing or meditating, running an errand, or going to the other end of the room (if you can’t physically leave).

During the I-Promise Marriage Conference, Greg Smalley recalled a story when his parents had a big verbal blowout. Gary – Greg’s Dad – left the room and headed to his office. Greg followed after. When he found his dad there, he was staring intently at the computer screen on his desk. Greg saw what he was looking at…a simple word document listing the positive values and attributes of his wife. Gary explained to Greg that when they fought, he would go into his office and begin to read the list of his wife’s positive values and it would begin to put things into perspective. He was able to cool down.

What about The “sun not going down on my anger”?

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26-27

I think we have all heard the – “don’t go to bed angry” argument. After listening to Greg Smalley this weekend – I have officially put that myth to rest in my life.

Greg pointed out that the verse says – don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Not don’t let the sun go down on the issue.

You have to deal with anger first (if you don’t, you’re going to be slugging it out by morning!). When you don’t take a time out, the anger will build and build – and you will never be able to get past the issue.

The argument may come to an end, and someone may have gotten their way – but it won’t be a win/win for both the husband and wife.

Time in!

We have to communicate with one another. The Time Out tool is a good one to use when both spouses are getting heated. But it is not a tool to “dodge” or run from the disagreement. (it’s a tool for communication – not for retreating to a hole in the ground!)

When you have taken the steps to calm down – you need to call a “Time in”! Check in with your spouse to see if they are able to talk calmly and clearly about the topic that was causing the tension. If they aren’t ready to have a peaceful conversation, give them some more time.