If ”Silence is an art”, then I need to go back to art class!
Recently, I have noticed that silence can be good for my marriage.
I am not talking about the traditional ‘silent treatment’! I am talking about asking My Incredible Husband™ a question and then being silent. For some, this may be easy, but for me, it’s a hard thing to do.
When I was a kid, I always got the “talks to much” box marked on my report card. If I didn’t, my mom would ask me what was wrong!
I Process by Talking
When I talk with a friend, I often spend a great deal of the conversation “thinking out loud” and come to great conclusions by the end of our talk (that is the way I process my thoughts). I can have this type of conversation with My Incredible Husband™, too, if I just want to vent about something. But when it comes to important conversations where we are dealing with something in our marriage, where he needs to have input, I have had to learn how to listen more and talk less.
Before, I would explain my point and then wait (kind of) for him to process what I said and respond. If he didn’t respond, I figured that he didn’t understand my point. I would then explain my point again, using different words or points of view and then wait (barely). Sometimes this would happen 4 or 5 times with me explaining the same point with no response. Eventually, he would go on overload and shut down — withdrawal. Does that happen in your household?
My Incredible Husband™ isn’t Wired Like Me
As blessed as I am to have a husband who likes to talk to me, share with me, and communicate with me, it has taken me a long time to realize that when we are having a conversation (especially a difficult one) I need to talk less and listen more. Even if I am only hearing silence.
Before, I didn’t understand that when he hears a point, he needs time to think about it. To process it before he can really move forward with our conversation. Sometimes, after he has had time to think, he will ask questions to make sure he understands my point. Sometimes he will be ready to respond –either way — he can’t get to the next step if I keep talking!
Have You Mastered the Art of Silence?
Don’t think that I have mastered this ‘art of silence’, it is something that I have to be intentional about doing. Yet, when I am able to be silent and respect My Incredible Husband’s™ time to think and process what we are discussing, it is much more productive and less frustrating — for both of us!
Does this resonate with you? Do you let your husband take time to think and process before you repeat your point over and over?
photo by I am Kat.
The Marry Blogger has Moved!
I wanted to let you know that I am still writing about marriage and relationships It just happens that it is at my personal site: StuGray.com
Please hop over there and keep up to date with our writing about marriage and healthy relationships!!
Again, the website is StuGray.com. You can sign up (if you haven't already) for blog updates here.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I'm too good at silence! I process internally through lots of analysis and my husband often has to prompt me to speak after he's talked for 15 minutes without interruption! Good that I'm not the interrupting type, but speaking up has been something I've worked on for the past few years.
It's very exciting when we both have passionate ideas and the conversation really gets going with brainstorming and what ifs and sharing and lightbulb moments.
Thanks for the comment! It is great that you guys realize the way you tend to communicate and are so encouraging of each other. It has taken me a long to figure out what My Incredible Husband ‘needs’ in our communication process!
Also, another use of silence if your husband makes a remark that grates on your nerves that you don't lash out with hateful words.
I completely agree Cheryl…. this type of silence can be the hardest one for me sometimes! Thanks for the comment!