“Success is tying up your failures and then standing on them.” – Dave Ramsey
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” – Maya Angelou
2000
She was running a nightclub. I was a Top 40 DJ.
Both had separate journeys, and different experiences, but it seemed that God was working in both of our lives. She had just started going to an awesome church, and was loving it. I had been dumped by 2 women who ditched me for “Jesus”. Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy with God.
She invited me to her church on one of our first dates. Something changed in me that night – I didn’t think God was out to get me.
Flash Forward
We get married just north of New Orleans during Southern Decadence weekend (that happens to be a rather “flamboyant” weekend in New Orleans). Our marriage weekend has some great stories. (plus some great pix – like our pastors’ wife with a guy wearing chaps. And no pants.)
We were in a great church that God used to smack us around a bit. I threw out my huge porn collection, and thought all was well. Not the case.
The computer was not my friend – to me, or my marriage.
Next we decided to move closer to her family to begin our family. A ministry job for me and a sales job for her, it seemed well and good. Our kiddo came into the world in September 2005. He is a cool kid. I love being a dad.
The porn issue would come and go, stronger urges some days, lesser on others. Like the tide, there was a constant ebb and flow in my life. There were great months with no issues, then a couple days where the bottom would fall out.
My beautiful wife™ was always on my side. Several times she said -
“We have to stand together against this, not battle against each other.”
She is one smart cookie.
But porn was killing our marriage.
2007
Two years into my cushy ministry job, I was yanked from my place of “leadership” – not for any wrong doing – they simply decided to place someone else in the job.
I quickly rolled down hill. The porn urge was intense, and wouldn’t go away. I fought with it, I had blockers and filters, and I found my way thru every one. I erased histories, and denied what I was doing on the internet.
My beautiful wife™ would find traces of my internet issues, and would confront me. Finally I decided I wanted help.
I tried an Anonymous group, but it wasn’t for me. Then I joined a great group of guys who struggle with all sorts of stuff. They are doing life together and growing in the process.
I met with a friend during the week, I went to meetings. I was talking about my ‘stuff’. Still no breakthrough, so it seemed.
Late Summer 2008, we vacationed. It was a difficult trip for the beautiful wife™ and I. We weren’t communicating well. Everything she said, I would jump down her throat, and she would jump right back.
It seemed we were on a road to fighting all the time – and ultimately breaking up. I needed to figure out how to save my marriage. Something had to happen.
I started reading about marriage.
First it was John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
I continued on. I wanted to communicate better with my wife and wanted to get thru our difficulties. I knew that my porn habit wasn’t making it any easier.
One evening as we strolled through our local Barnes and Noble, my beautiful wife™ picked up Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Next up, the two books that really changed my life. God in Search of Man
Heschel’s book is not about marriage – directly. His premise is that God loves man, and has made a marriage ‘type’ commitment to a group of people (the Israelites – or Jews, as we know them today). In Heschel’s book, there were thoughts on life that I longed to take to heart – experiencing wonder in all things, enjoying commonplace things as spiritual adventures, the significance of time, and God being here, now, in this moment, involved with what is going on.
I knew all of these things, but I wanted it to be more than ‘head knowledge’ for my marriage and my life.
In Jewish thought, a man is encouraged to take a leap of action before taking a leap of thought.
Do Something, instead of just sitting and thinking about it.
In every act, we either return, and get closer, to God, or we step away, and get further from God. In every act, the goal is not the act performed, but the life transformed. Every moment is an opportunity to be closer to God and be transformed? Wow!
These concepts intrigued me; I wanted to spend time (perhaps the rest of my life) figuring out how to live that way – and making these concepts a reality.
The other book – Tim Gardner’s ‘Sacred Sex’ - reshaped my thoughts on marriage.
He says the goal of sex is the ‘big O’…(and it ain’t orgasm).
It’s Oneness. Loving the whole person, not just the body parts. Connecting at a deeper level. Putting God in the middle of the marriage relationship.
What did this mean for my marriage?
What did this mean for my porn habit?
I realized that it’s more than just looking at body parts.
On the Business Front
At this very time (or season, as my wife would say), my computer crashed. Gone. I had to get a whole new system.
When it arrived, I made a public declaration that I wasn’t going to look at porn on this computer. I told myself that the porn was a major reason for the old computer crash in the first place – Sure. That - and it was an 8 year old computer!
I continue to be interested in my marriage. My reading list continues – Sex God
No porn has been looked at on this computer since it arrived. I plan to keep it that way. (the unfortunate update)
Honor my marriage. Honor God. Get closer to him with choices I make.
That’s where I begin this blog.
Here are my 2 simple reasons for the Marry Blogger:
1. I want to keep thoughts about marriage in front of me.
I love my beautiful wife™ and want to learn as much about her, and our marriage as I can. I also want to have tools that will further our marriage relationship and help us continue down the road in a positive way. To gain skills and knowledge to communicate better, to raise kids together, to deal with finances better, to do life together, and of course, have better sex. Because marriage includes sex. (If we are each others only source – why not make it as good as we can – right?!)
2. To pass along what I read and learn to anyone else who wants a better marriage.
If I keep all this marriage advice bottled up inside, it will just grow old and stale. I don’t want it to die inside me, or just have the information for our marriage. I want to help give life and encouragement to others, to pass along what we’re learning.
I believe there will be great things you will relate to along the way.
I believe the quote from Dave Ramsey is right. Why not learn from the failures in our lives?
And Maya Angelou seems spot on. I don’t have all the answers. I just have a new song that I want to sing.
If I can pass along something that I have done wrong, and you can learn from it, or be inspired to not do the same thing, or do something better – that’s terrific.
Please join me in this adventure by sharing your thoughts and comments – I would love to learn from you.
Welcome to the Marry Blogger.
Many links on this page are affiliate links, meaning that if you click on them and purchase the books, I will make a couple bucks. Thanks for doing that!
photo by *L*u*z*a*
The Marry Blogger has Moved!
I wanted to let you know that I am still writing about marriage and relationships It just happens that it is at my personal site: StuGray.com
Please hop over there and keep up to date with our writing about marriage and healthy relationships!!
Again, the website is StuGray.com. You can sign up (if you haven't already) for blog updates here.
{ 8 trackbacks }