Yesterday my beautiful wife™ wrote a great post about being on the same team in your marriage.
I wanted to offer three things that came to my mind after I read her post:
Instead of telling him off about what didn’t get done (vacuuming was the example my wife gave), tell him the desire in your heart. Why is it important to you that he help out around the house? Why do you feel it needs to be done that day?
I don’t connect emotionally to things like my wife does. Rarely do I feel the importance of stuff in my life. She does feel connected to our stuff, and when I don’t honor her wishes with our stuff, I look (and act) like a heel. But if I knew the feelings behind the things she wants me to do, I would be more likely to do them.
Assuming that he understands your thoughts and feelings, without telling him directly, is a big mistake. Imagine your communication with your husband is like a 747 coming in for a landing. If the airport is busy, the airplane has to circle and circle and circle, until the runway clears. Finally, it will land.
If my wife is circling and circling in conversation, and thinking I am going to catch her underlying message, unfortunately, I’m not. She needs to be more like a kamikaze pilot – Dive bomb right to the point. Then if she would like to expound a bit on why she wants something taken care of, I am able to listen a bit better.
I like to say “Start with the Punchline – Then tell me the story”. (read another great post about communication here or you can read this one!)
He needs your support. Most guys struggle with something. We have insecure areas. We need a safe place to turn, not always to talk (initially), but to know that you are on our side, believing in us and encouraging us to fight against whatever struggles we face (addictions, work, money, etc).
If your husband is like me, he wants to be better not just for you and his family, but for himself. If you are constantly taking him on – telling him every little detail of what he did wrong, it will feel unbearable, and he will crumble. I believe your encouragement is vital to your husband.
Think about loving him into the future. He isn’t where you think he should be? Love him anyway. Kinda like what God did when he sent Jesus. He loved us first, before we knew anything about him.
Do you want your husband to act ‘right’, or perform like you want him to, before he gets your love? What if you did it like God did? Loving them before they are ‘worthy’ of love?
Photo by tylerdurden1
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