On Monday I wrote a post about lusting after your spouse. I received a great comment from blogger, writer and massage therapist Carrie Burgan. So, I asked if she would expand her comments for a full on post! Make sure you check out Carrie’s blog Make Mine Happen! If you would like to guest post on the Marry Blogger, you can find out how here
I was inspired by Stu’s post 20 Ways to Keep Your Spouse Lusting After You. Each tip to keep it feisty in the marital bedroom is good. In fact, I’m convinced I should implement a few of them. (Which ones? Well, that’s between my husband and me!)
But I would be remiss if I didn’t say it ruffled my feathers a bit.
The tips Stu gave focused around things that women should do with and for their husbands. Indeed, men are more visual than women, but in my opinion men have a heckuva lot to learn.
We women are half of the marriage, but seem to be on the hook for 90% of the sex and sexual issues within a marriage. I’ll let you in on a little secret: In a normal marriage it takes two to “tango,” but sometimes men lack the chops to get the women on the dance floor.
Let me express that women are not always the sex vixens men would like us to be. More than once I’ve been more concerned about my laundry pile than my husband’s needs. I admit it — sometimes I choose socks over sex. So while the female should own up to her own idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex (and try out some of Stu’s tips to boot), the men should realize that sometimes they make sex sound more like the dollar menu than filet mignon.
I encourage my fellow females to empower themselves to help their men help them. Talking about sex and what you need as a woman should be a part of the marital communication process. (For your sanity’s and libido’s sakes, I suggest doing this outside the bedroom!) Do a little lusty soul-searching and figure out what excites you. Then, let your husband know what works for you!
If a warm, inviting talk isn’t working the way you wish it would, share this post with your husband!
Men: Listen Up!
THE FIRST AND CARDINAL RULE FOR MEN: “Hold the door” for your wives.
This is a little contrary to what a lot of people practice, but bear with me. You hold the door to show respect for your wife, right? It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. In polite society, women come first. Simply put: They should in the bedroom, too.
Many times we feel our pleasure is secondary to yours; it’s a “nice-to-have.” If you are trying to conceive a baby, this might be true (though I’d disagree with you slightly). But for a mutually fulfilling marriage this won’t do. You have your excitement and we may or may not hit that same high. Your wife will probably be happier and a little more eager to please if you give her the attention she deserves. (This also plays nicely into Stu’s tip 17, which benefits you in the long run.)
NUMBER TWO: Give in.
The man walks in. His wife is in a patent leather nurse’s outfit. Wait, wait, wait… This is our fantasy, not yours.
Sometimes fantasies within marriage align. On those days we praise God for the gorgeous marital trysts that ensue. But sometimes a woman’s fantasy is, well, just plain girly. In fact, it might not even make you excited at all. But I ask on behalf of wives everywhere to give in upon occasion to the über-girly fantasies that we have.
If rose petals and a silk scarf are it, give in! If she wants a romance novel cover, be her Fabio. (Don’t worry, I’m right there with you on that one. Gag!) For one night, don’t fuss and go all ga-ga that it’s not your manly fantasy. Trust us… You’ll get yours. (See Stu’s #8.)
NUMBER THREE: Be a domestic diva. (Minus the diva. Domestic “Dave-a”. Better?)
This seems a little tongue in cheek, but I mean it wholeheartedly: Let her catch you doing your part around the house. Do something she doesn’t expect (vacuum, fold laundry) without self-praise and without being asked. From personal experience, nothing is sexier than a man who washes the dishes of his own volition. (Have you seen the comical “Porn for Women” books with photos of guys doing chores? They are comedy, but there’s a reason they sell so many copies!) I see my husband with the scrub brush and I’m on him like bees on honey. I’ll bet your wife will be, too.
THE UNOFFICIAL NUMBER FOUR: Speak her language.
Okay ladies, you could use some help here, too, but you men aren’t off the hook. Women and men could both use a little extra knowledge on communication between the sexes. I mentioned in my comment on Stu’s post that For Women Only
If you are newly married or if you are celebrating your golden anniversary, there is always something new to learn about communicating with your spouse. When you travel to Mexico, knowing a little Spanish is probably a good idea. The For Women Only and For Men Only books act as handy travel dictionaries to communication with your spouse. We give them (along with a monetary gift) to every newlywed couple we know!
The best way to ask your wife for what you want (and to ask what she wants) is to ask in a way she will understand. Avoid the “you never” and “you always” pitfalls and frame your needs so she will be receptive to them. (Then try all 20 of Stu’s tips.) Your sex life will thank you for it… and so will your wife.
Links to the books in this post are affiliate links – if you click on them and purchase a book, I’ll make a couple cents, and TMB will go on another day! Ok, maybe that’s a little over dramatic.
photo by Kansas City Dale
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Two passions, my dear Dustin. Two passions. One pays the bills. I'll let you determine which that one is. My clients disagree. Heh. ;-P
Great post, Carrie!
One comment on “Your wife will probably be happier and a little more eager to please if you give her the attention she deserves.” While this is certainly something many men need to hear, others need something almost the opposite. Some guys are far too concerned about pleasing her.
How can that be? If he is more concerned than she is, something is wrong. If he wants her to have “more enjoyment” than she wants that is going to end badly. If he makes her pleasure more of a priority than she does, he is going to create performance pressure and impossible expectations.
Great post, Carrie!. One comment on “Your wife will probably be happier and a little more eager to please if you give her the attention she deserves.'”
That is certainly a problem, but for a lot of guys the problem is the exact opposite – they are TOO concerned about her pleasure. How can he be too concerned? If he is more concerned than she is, something is wrong. When he wants her pleasure to be much greater, that can be a problem. It's easy to overshoot what is important and start creating performance pressure and impossible expectations.
Also, I strongly second your recommendation of the Feldhahns books.
Yes! Great post. Thank you for sharing such practical tips for the gentlemen. Men, we do not want you to be ignorant of such things!
Thanks, Carrie, for sharing the female side of this equation. I agree with your wholehearted endorsement of “For Women Only” and “For Men Only.” Two fantastic books that provide valuable insight into the mind and emotions of your spouse. Though they are supposedly for ___ only, my wife and I read them together. I can't say tell you how many times one of said, “Really, you think/feel/want that?”
In Stu's defense, I think it is true that women generally need a bit more encouragement to think sexually than men do. I don' t know if the old addage about “every six seconds” is true or not, but you make some very valid points that men need to learn to also be sexual in a manner that connects with how their wives view sex.
Thanks for your insights. Good stuff.
Excellent post, Carrie! I personally think you should give up that whole massage therapy business and join us as marriage bloggers.
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