We recently returned from a couple days away.
About 2 weeks ago I got sick. I was laid out for two days. There were several days of intense work for my Beautiful Wife™. She was in several phone meetings and with clients in the evenings.
We ended up having a couple small arguments regarding work, home and kiddo care. We attended a wedding. We started a new group at church.
All of this stuff happened within a two week period. Then we were off on our short day trip that involved a little work for me, but mainly some time away together. While on our short trip, I realized that we had been drifting, and it was a little clunky getting back ‘in-sync’ with each other.
Drift
Drift happens when life seemingly takes more importance than our marriages… and we float away from our spouse – nothing ‘major’ happens — but things cause us to float away from each other.
Some things that cause drift?
- ‘Busy’-ness
- Kids
- Deadlines at work
- Sickness
- Mis-communication
- I am sure you can think of others
It’s not bad stuff – its just life stuff. But it does build up. If we don’t catch it, we keep drifting until we end up in different oceans – completely separate lives, even though we live in the same house.
Some Cures for Drift
Spend time together. Take 15 minutes to talk together. Dustin has a great post about this here.
Take a mini marriage vacation. On the vacation, reconnect on all levels of intimacy…emotional, spiritual, physical, emotional, verbal (More on ‘types of intimacy’). This doesn’t have to be a “trip” to another place. Ideas: House swap with a neighbor. Go to the parents or inlaws housse, and let them keep the kids. Rent a room at a local hotel. Be a tourist in your town. Return to the place where you had your first date.
Have sex. I know guys are all about this answer. GUYS: Be careful that sex does not become manipulation of our wives. Before sex, we need to be connecting with her so it’s a true overflow of love between two people. LADIES: Sex is a good way to allow your husbands to open up and communicate again. (Husbands might not tell you this, but Sex is More Than Just Sex)
Attack the issues together. Sort thru the things that have been keeping you apart. While doing #1 on this list… Actively schedule more time to be in each others lives. Really plan it. Take out the calendars. Put it in the PDA (then turn it off!! Read this from One Extraordinary Marriage!).
Be supportive of your mate in their endeavors. Since I am a work at home dad, I am still adjusting to being a ‘household manager’ during the time my wife spends working with clients. What I have to keep in mind: God is blessing us thru her work. Does it matter where the dollars and cents come from – or is that just my pride? (Thanks to Paul at The Generous Husband for this reminder)
Focused attention on your marriage. Read a book on what makes a great marriage, take a class to improve your skills (isn’t it funny we take classes for everything else, but believe that we have the whole “relationship thing’ figured out?), Go to counseling to learn what makes you the way you are, Work with a marriage coach to help you get unstuck. Get with a couple that can mentor you in your relationship. Join a Group to Encourage you, and sort things out.
What do you do to combat Drift in your marriage?
photo by ubac
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Thanks for this post, Stu! You’ve made us stop and think hard about this tendency. We’re joining the conversation at The Romantic Vineyard tomorrow and have linked to this post!
Blessings to you!!
A big way to avoid the drift is by having a weekly, dedicated DateNight! It’s a huge gift to couples. It allows for all these points to happen. Of course, I also very much advocate dating through out the week and more often than just once a week, but having that one night that is dedicated to investing the only human relationship that goes deep into the soul.
Great post! I really like your last suggestion about reading a book together or going to counseling. My wife and I always put counseling on the back burner and finally started about 2 months ago. Having that third party has done wonders for our marriage.
I love your blog – it's truly wonderful. The articles are well-written and timely, and the layout is very nice. Not only is it well-done, it's courageous. I do some writing myself on relationships; if you get the chance to visit me back, I'd love your feedback. I might have some information in my postings that would help your readers, too.
Darlyn
fix marriage
I love your blog – it's truly wonderful. The articles are well-written and timely, and the layout is very nice. Not only is it well-done, it's courageous. I do some writing myself on relationships; if you get the chance to visit me back, I'd love your feedback. I might have some information in my postings that would help your readers, too.
Darlyn
fix marriage
What a timely post Stu. I’ve been feeling the drift at times as of late in my marriage and each of these points you make are right on. The big one for us is that we are going on our church’s marriage retreat in June. It is 2 1/2 days of absolute bliss for Alisa and I. We leave the world behind and just focus on us. We try to do at least 3-4 long weekends each year. They recharge us and help us to refocus on what is important, our marriage.
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