There was a great post over at Romance University (a site I had not been to before) by my friend Dustin at Engaged Marriage.
I took interest in the comments below the post – specifically one from Kelsey Browning saying this:
…I’ve always thought it a bit of a paradox that men need sex to feel close to women while women need to feel close before they want to have sex. I’m sure you have many tips for reconciling this, but do you have one or two thoughts on what couples should do when they get caught in this Catch-22?
I made my response:
…My natural tendency is to want to show love how I like to be loved. But that is not how it is supposed to work – right? We need to love our mate how they need to be loved. If I would like to enjoy sex with my beautiful wife – I need to start loving her early in the day – connecting with her in conversation and innocent friendly touch. I need to serve her by taking out the trash (perhaps) without being told!! It starts much earlier than right before we hop in bed.
I would assume that she too would learn to love me in the way I enjoy being loved. Which might mean having sex when she doesn’t necessarily feel like it.
Loving our mate the way they like and want to be loved is foreign to me – (and probably others) which makes that paradox such a big thing in marriages.
I keep thinking about that paradox. If we know it exists – and if you read this blog –- or are interested in blogs like it focused on marriage –- or read books about relationships –- or are in a relationship — You might ignore realize that it exists.
Men like to be loved mostly by physical love – sex. Women love to be loved with closeness and devotion – with words and with actions. (I am taking a broad stroke view – I know there are varying shades of all of us).
Do We Really Know How to Love?
Ok. If we know this, why don’t we just do it? Aren’t we supposed to love our spouse? Love isn’t meant to be selfish – or me centered – right? It is supposed to be other focused. I don’t naturally operate in “other focus” though. It’s usually all about me – there are many times I mess up – my words and my actions aren’t very loving toward my wife.
Yet, I know what loving is – and I know how to do it. But I don’t. This takes me to the writer of the book of Romans – Paul, who says that he doesn’t understand the way he acts – he doesn’t do the things he knows is right, but does the stuff he knows is wrong.
Somewhere There is a Breakdown
The thoughts in my head don’t always make it down to my mouth -and to my actions. Why is that?
Laziness?
Selfishness?
Self-centeredness?
Maybe I don’t’ really know how to love as well as I think I do.
That might just be the truth – How well do I know how to love? Just because I say that I know how to do something – but then don’t do it – is that really knowing? Or is it just lip service?
What do you think?
photo by mylla
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Thats a great thought Walter – and I think it hits really close to home. When I can get (or want) my needs met -the tendencies are to act more loving.
The problem with love is our misunderstanding of it. Most of the time, what we think as our expression of love is more of selfishness on our part. The true essence of love lies in our capacity to understand what is hard to understand and making sacrifice when we are in comfort.
Thanks for highlighting this article, Stu. I agree that the responses in the comments were great!
I think the “breakdown” comes from all of the above and to varying degrees with different people. I think the process to overcome it starts with actually realizing that this is how men and women are generally wired, and beyond that it simply takes effort to be empathetic and try and see the sexual world through their eyes. Once you see it, you have to get out of your comfort zone a bit and take some action. I've done this and the rewards certainly make it worth the effort!
Here's an excerpt from a comment there I wrote along similar lines:
“This is an absolute paradox that really speaks to the differences in our sexuality (masculine vs. feminine).
Based on our own experience, the best way to address it is first to recognize that these differences exist and let your spouse know it’s totally okay. And then embrace the differences and get out of your comfort zone a bit to engage your partner.
For men, that could mean being proactive to spur a meaningful conversation with a “no strings attached” attitude. For ladies, this could be initiating sex with your husband (without a prerequisite for lots of talking first), especially when you can tell that he needs some closeness and intimacy with you.”
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