A post from the Beautiful Wife™
Recently I was talking to a friend, and she mentioned her husband’s struggle with porn. If you read this blog often, you probably know that I could relate to her situation.
My Incredible Husband™ and I have walked through this struggle. Even though we are on the other side, I am amazed at how much I still learn about myself from reaching out to other couples in the midst of their struggles.
My friend was having a hard time figuring out a way to show grace to her husband. She was in the ‘mad’ and ‘confused’ stage… I’ve been there, I could relate.
As we were talking I remembered that my friend has her own struggle. Like me, she struggles with fear/anxiety — the fear of the unknown — the fear of ‘losing control’. Her struggle has not taken the exact form as mine, but it was similar.
I asked her how her husband has walked with her during her struggle. She mentioned how amazing, supportive and understanding he was, how well he loved her through it, even though, at times, it had affected him.
I completely understood. I haven’t flown on a plane since before I met My Incredible Husband™. It frustrates me that I haven’t been able to overcome that fear, but he loves me through it. He has never made me feel bad that we drive everywhere (even when we drive 24 hours to see his family out west!).
The Light Bulb Moment
I was sitting there with her, and it hit me… I haven’t always loved My Incredible Husband™ well through his struggle… at times I was mad, confused, angry, judging… but I never asked myself this question: How is my struggle any different than his? It really isn’t. We all struggle with SOMETHING, why is it so easy for us to forget our own struggles and judge our spouses in the middle of theirs?
When my friend heard her description of how her husband had walked beside her during her struggle, I think she started to realize that she needed to treat him the way he treated her.
I hope that I can remember that the next time My Incredible Husband™ is in the middle of a struggle… I want to love him in his moment of need the way he has loved me. I hope the next time your spouse is in the middle of a struggle, you can remember it too!
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets. – Matthew 7.12
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for your post, and sharing your life with others! It is important to view ourselves in light of our standing before God, broken before Him and strong because of His grace.
I like Jayme’s comment too, because I would rather have a husband who struggled with anxiety than a husband who struggled with pornography…it’s not as damaging to a marriage relationship. I do think that fear and anxiety can lead to pornography use though.
I think what she was trying to say is that we both are broken. They might be different types of broken…but all the same, we are both broken. How we deal with each others brokenness is the question she was trying to raise.
You said it “with grace”…and I think that was the point! Thanks for the comment Jayme!
It is different.
Both are sins, sure. But they aren’t the same. Both should be treated with sensitivity. With grace. But that doesn’t make them the same.
Pornography is (or at least can be) an addiction. A tendency to fear isn’t. It’d be like comparing a meth addiction with a gossipping habit. Yeah, both are bad. But they are different. There are reasons men go after porn. They should be looked at and examined and dealt with. Chances are there are significant, deep reaching lies he has believed for years causing him to look at porn. It doesn’t make it more of a sin, but it doesn’t make it the same either.
Great point, Julie. But we need to make sure our girlfriends don't replace the intimacy we have with our husbands. He should be our closest friend in this life! And because we're so different it takes work and selflessness that is demonstrated so beautifully in this post. I've talked to a lot of wives frustrated because their husbands aren't like their girlfriends – well, we should see this as a good thing! I wouldn't want my husband to act like my girlfriends, really! I think what their expressing is the lack of closeness we can all feel from time to time, with our spouse. Instead of allowing the discontent room to fester – let's talk about it in humility and love.
Great post!
Debi
Thank you so much for your comments Julie!
It has taken me a while to figure out how important it is to have female friends to walk out life with… the enemy wants nothing more then for us to isolate ourselves!
Such a tremendous post overflowing with humility and realness. Reminds me once again about the treacherous road that marriage often is…because of the struggles and challenges that each spouse brings to the table. Your post also is a good reminder of what it means as a friend to come alongside one another…your willingness to listen to your friend and not try to fix everything is a tremendous reflection of compassion. Often when I am talking to wives, I encourage them to have safe confidential female friends and to have a close relationship with the Lord…this support is priceless (also for husbands as well…that they have a support network of trusted male friends and the Lord). Anyway, thanks for the post…great vulnerability…
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